What up, gay?

So, you walk into your corner coffee shop and see a lanky twenty-something year old wearing a Dave Matthews shirt, sipping his mocha. Immediately, you know one thing. That guy has got some cream in his cup. Confused? Don’t be. I am not talking about dairy supplements. What I am saying is that homeboy is a gay. That’s right, a gay. Until recently, I was never afraid to call them, the homos that is, as I saw them. That girl with the Birkenstocks, lezzy. That guy with the bull-cut, total queer. How did I get my knowledge? I am part of the club and as they say, “it takes one to know one.”

Throughout college, I was unabashed about my skill. I outed strangers and called men in nylon “girl.” Why not, their exterior implored me to. However, since then, something has changed. The outside semi-adult world is different. Most of us are chained to these weird-obstacles called “jobs” and the strange social environment that they create. Oh, the gays are still there; but, due to this weird thing called “professionalism”, YOU and I must now pretend these people, or better said, these identities don’t out-rightly exist. A new hurdle now has arisen, specifically, when do we know it is ok to recognize that someone at work is gay?

A friend of mine had this very quandary a week ago. Let me elaborate. My friend and a co-worker spent some time together over the weekend. They had dinner, he outed himself and then, as is expected, they went to a bar to check out guys. The following week, my friend saw her co-worker eating lunch with what she assumed was one of his close peers. My friend sat down and recounted the events of their weekend to the peer—men, bar—all of it.

Later, she said that she was surprised when the co-worker asked her not to out him to fellow employees. What could she do? My friend was stumped. Had her co-worker signaled that his sexuality was an untouchable topic? Were there hints? What was she to do?

Reviewing the situation, I have decided to say, no! No, there are no standards for this kind of shit. We cannot be expected to mix the moors of when it is or is not acceptable to share our gay-consciousness. Instead, I have decided to put together a review of inner-office gay code.

In this code, the first step is recognizing your gay at work. This can be a hazy issue. Let’s be honest, contrary to popular opinion, gays don’t just divide into Melissa Etheridge followers and Gloria-Estefan want-to-be’s. Gays come in all forms and haircuts. However, as is the same with any community, there are some reliable clues to look for if in question about whose team your buddy bats for. First and foremost: haircuts. This is the cheat sheet to your gay, or should I say your sexually anonymous co-worker.

My rule of thumb is to compare this person’s haircut to your peers. Without the body, ask yourself would this haircut go better on a boy or a girl? If you find yourself crossing genders, thinking that Jill’s haircut would seem more ‘’normal” on Jake, then that’s a pretty good clue that something is a little queer. Some people might bring up the new trend of men in shaggy do’s. I say if you’re unsure, ask your co-worker if he likes Tori Amos. If he says yes, you know Tori isn’t the only fairy.

My second rule of thumb is shoes. What type of footwear does your friend prefer? For women, loafers and sneakers are a dead-giveaway. Ask yourself, does she look like she would wear these shoes in middle school? If so, she’s a homo. For men, most any shoe that is well cleaned is evidence of him siding same-sex tendencies. Does he look like he has put time into his footwear? If you think yes, or maybe, or even if you are re-reading this passage for clarity, most likely he has a gay-vibe.
So, now you think or know or hope, that your co-worker is a gay. What do you do? In college, I would have said act but, unfortunately, this job world calls for something called “privacy.” Until this person outs themselves to you, you have to bit the bullet and wait. If you are like me and like to expedite conversations, I’d suggest dropping hints about your acceptance of gays and or gay issues. That way, if your friend feels inclined to share, she or he knows you are ready and waiting. Whatever you do, DO NOT talk about your “gay friends.” No one wants to be your new “gay friend.”

If your co-worker, in the case of my friend, has come out to you, give yourself a pat on the back. Half your quandary is solved. Your co-worker evidently feels fine, or at least ambivalent, with you knowing his or her “private life.” At this point, it is acceptable to ask your gay how he or she feels about work privacy. If you want to play it aloof, you can survey what your friend reveals about himself or herself at work. For example, if lesbian Lisa talks to George about her girlfriend. It is likely safe, for you to reference Lisa’s sexuality to George. If Lisa does not directly talk about her sexuality at work or refers to people by vague pronouns or as ‘friends’; then, leave Lisa’s private life alone. Over all let the gays pop their own coming-out cherries. As Judy said, “It’s my fucking rainbow anyway.”