Case of the Ex

What is it with people and their exes? I am talking about girls and guys, people, who, have split up, and yet, are unable to separate themselves from each other’s lives. Esme, I’ve broken up, and well, what I really mean is, we are taking a break from each other but talk three times a day. Or better yet, Esme I am ignoring his passive aggressive emails but I will post hints about my sex life on my Myspace profile. These accounts are bullshit and I have been subjected to them long enough.


I will not lie. I have done some pretty low shit in my lifetime. When I dumped my first girlfriend via telephone. I spent the following weeks, months, on and off year, stalking her and her life online. These events were followed by a spattering of awkward phone calls in which I interrogated her about her current life. As someone who had wanted to separate my life from hers, I ultimately got myself knee high in uncomfortable details and animosity. The worst part of the situation was that I forced myself to connect with her knowing that with each event I would endure excessive jealously and anger. Talking to an ex was like drinking after going to rehab—all that work for nothing.

Seeing the relationship quandaries that my friends get themselves into, I know that this social recklessness goes beyond me. So, why do we do it? I have a few thoughts on this. One, we are all masochists in the end; and two; we have the need to persuade ourselves post break-up that we made the right decision.

When a break-up occurs, the dumped person is inclined to create a wall of self-preservation. The mortar is made from beer, your nostalgia favorites from early 90s and, most importantly, 2-3 changes to your online profile or aim icon. Something along the lines of a status change, an introspective quote or more sullen selection of music favorites. These are messages to the friends that said person is staying strong and bitter.

The breaker-upper of course is also in the know and reacts to this. Rarely do exes actually disconnect, un-friend or distance themselves from one another—that would be too logical. The breaker-upper sees these messages and is propelled to demonstrate that she/he is also better than before. The break-up has transitioned from sentimentality and remorse to a technological showdown of passive-aggressive action. The worse part of these changes is that both sides provoke one another. The exes take on facades, which they use to provoke each other. Why do they do it? I don’t know. I guess they want to hurt each other. They want to make themselves believe that they will be better off or at least unable to go back.

Months ago, I’d argue that the pair should be left in the backyard to fight it out to their emo deaths. I guess time and the emotional depravity of my life have changed me. Looking at my friends’ lives, I don’t see Ricki Lake queens but bitter people. I know who the exes were before when they were people. It is hard to juxtapose my portraits of the people with the disengaged personas they are trying to erect. I have thus decided that either the exes need to stop the emotional warfare or I need to get my own helmet.